Personas That I Have

Multiple personas that I have developed with my different groups of friends. Some know me as the quiet type, others knows me as the kind hearted person, a few know that I'm the crazy one, and many know that I'm very forgiving, but which is my actual identity? I myself don't really know. I have been living between multiple personas, which varies from my SBM peeps, class friends, FOC freshies, secondary mates, Society people, Fencing buddies, cousins, and many other family and friends, that I don't really remember who I actually am, my own personality. Or is this the person I am? To live multiple lives among different people.

See if I can sort these feelings out.

Busy Bees Buzzing

I finally found the time to blog again! Yay!

Well, life has been, difficult lately. Been busy with projects, friends, homework, CCAs. It's kinda getting a little hectic. No time to play any computer games, the cruelty. The best part is, common test is just two week away. Great.

Well in other news, Transfer Processes: Heat And Mass, or TPHM for short, has cause me much trouble in my studying, cause that is my weakest module of all, and I dislike the way my teacher teaches. So I got to suck up and work on my own.

Anyway, many things has happen, many thoughts ran through my mind, but none actually bother to say there for a few more weeks, so I got nothing more to say here.Just decided to post something for April, because my next post might be due in June.

Some inspiring and no-so inspiring stuff on my Facebook wall:

When you sleep in a lecture and wake up, you tell yourself to listen, then you fall asleep again and again, till your friend whacks you in the head and say 'pay attention! don't sleep!' And will keep doing that till you stay awake. 
Reminders: You frequently need them from being a hypocrite, and it usually comes from friends and family. 


Put your boxing gloves on and don't take it off, it may stink, but it helps fight through your problems. 
Persevere: Enduring through hardships makes you stronger 


Yes, you can be emotionally attached to something, bad or good, but remember this: all things/everything are never permanent. It's born, it grows, its tragedy, it dies. Even your own feelings work that way. You can be emotionally attached to something, but always be prepared to face reality, for you will never know when it disappear. 
Impermanence: cause nothing is forever 


We can't change everyone, but we can start from ourselves. If others don't realize we are trying, we let them harp all they can, because as long you know it is the right thing, change will come soon. 


How do yo feel when someone helps you in a problem? Happy and grateful I believe?
When you are helping someone, feel the same way, happy and grateful, because you show compassion and loving kindness.
No matter how frustrated you are when people feel you are incapable or has no need to help, not showing any sense of gratitude and happiness whatsoever, remember this: The fruits of your labour will arrive, eventually. 


Singapore has become a giant sauna. On the bright side, people can stop complaining on losing weight 


Sundays makes me feel below average


Well I guess thats about all. I'm going offline now, don't miss me 


'I See The Way You Go And Say You're Right Again, Say You're Right Again, Heed My Lecture' 


Undecided Faith

Nyan cat the new rick-roll?

Nyan cat should be the new rick-roll, then you can tell your friends you been Nyan-ed. 


Well, its been quite some time since I posted something, so why not now? Lately I found out that I can barely keep awake in class. I try my very best, literally my best, to stay awake in class. It is all so boring. My head will tilt to the left, right, back or forth depending on how I sit. 
Well, the first week of school is coming to a close, with Friday left. Really? Thank god its Friday. I got a test on Tuesday, and that spoils most of my mood. 
But never fret, Nyan cat is always there to brighten up your day. Seriously, it is addictive but stupid. 


I just went on Facebook, and saw my secondary school classmates being uploaded and tagged on a photo. Then it came to me: how long has it been since I last met them? What feels like months seems like decades. I miss them, and I miss every other friend I know, even those I see everyday. I sometimes wish we can live in the same block, and then go to the playground to play every evening after doing my homework, which I never do during the evening. And then just have an awesome time with the people I know and love. 


I really would not know what to do if I never knew the friends I have now. 


Nyan Nyan~

What You Understand Is Not What You Really Know

A dream occurred to me last night, about me running, running away from evil that I fear, fear of death. Even at the safety of my friends, I just ran. We all ran, but all I remembered is only me left surviving. If I had power, I would have fought, if I had the strength, I would have fought, but in that dream, I was nothing, I just ran. Ran and abandoned my friends. Running away from the horde of people within the chaos of the city. I thought they were after my group of friends only, until I saw the city at the centre of destruction. Buildings burning, corpses lying everywhere, total havoc.
As I was running through what seems like a school hall, I saw a spaceship and people being captured. I saw an iconic super villain cartoon character, Dr. Doom. He tried to zap me with his lightning, and somehow it did not hurt, and I continue running. At that point I knew it was a dream, but I wasn't fully aware as to control my 'fantasy'. As I exited the hall, I was cornered on both sides, and my only way out was to jump on to the roof of a shelter overcasting a paved route, or what was left of it. So I jumped, and I hurt myself in someway, rendering me unable to move.
Weirdly to say, Darth Maul from StarWars approached me, and told me 'it is the end', zapping me with his electrical powers. I found out earlier that I was resistance to electricity, so I pretend to to be hurt and played dead. Some how, rubble and corpses just stack on onto me, and everything became dark. I waited, and waited and waited for what it seemed like an eternity, and I decided to push everything aside.
And what I saw around me was an utopia. I couldn't believe my eyes. The air looked clean, there were flying cars, buildings were as shiny as a mirror which stood tall in the skies. It was the same place, just better.
Did what I fear do this? Was it just a dream within a dream?
And then I woke up.

This dream made me wonder, are humans made to be selfish? Made to protect their own lives only? I was told many times before not to be self centered, not to just think there is only me, and no other. I rectify myself of that long ago, but is it human nature to just run from something we think we can't defeat? That it will cost our lives trying? To sacrifice your friends just so you can live another day? My friend who told me that, is still self centered in his own way. Maybe it is human to be selfish, especially in that current situation, and it is difficult not to think it that way.
Sometimes what you fear might be something not as horrible as you imagine, but you never gave it a chance to do so, so you will never know, forever living in the same suspicion of what you comprehended from one's self-acclaimed assumptions.

Well that was from my dream. Another thing I want to bring about is me being serious. If you want to get a point straight into my thick skull, please show that you are serious in doing so, don't try to make jokes, I won't register that. You want to shot me in anyway possible, sure, but I take it that you are joking and not making a serious comment, because everyone shots me in general, and I take being shot at as a joke if the tone isn't right to begin with. If you love shooting me, especially Brandon, Kai Feng, Alvin and anyone else in general, don't expect me to take anything in, because I'm too used to being shot at. You want to shot me and get it in my head, show some seriousness, and don't laugh about it.

I Can Understand People's Personality, But Not Many Can Understand Mine.

Understanding Impracticality

Thank God Its Friday, Because It Was A Good Friday

Wonder did god punish Rebbecca Black for that awful song 'Friday' that made to lyrical sense.
Just kidding, not being lyrically incline is bad enough.

We shouldn't spite about Friday.

Why is that my good friend?

Because its Good Friday!!!

Yay! It's Good Friday! Lets sing the I'm A Map Song!!!

*Everyone else stuns*

That's too much Dora The Explorer for me.

Anyway, the moral of the story today is Dora brainwashes kids to think maps and monkeys can speak English, and that today, or yesterday, was Good Friday. Well, woke up feeling all good and happy, maybe because of the review over my little incident, have a feeling she still is avoiding me in all ways possible. Ah, oh well. Found out that my is taking a hell load of time to load up, so maybe its time for some software maintenance. Yet let not fret, I have been invited to go out at 7PM to orchard to lekpah. Awesome, and I got to buy new stuff, and glasses! With my dad and sis! Went to drink after having an expensive dinner at Fish & Co. And painful it was, paying for it I mean.
Took a trip around city, and had fun. Drank some cocktails at Yi Lin's work place, where she made for us personally. I had a Woo Woo, and from what I discovered, lime and apple juice covers up a lot for the vodka taste, and how awesome is that :D
Left early to catch the last train and last bus.

My sentiments exactly, and if I'm not wrong, the relationship will be like the shot clip 'Strangers, Again', or maybe faster than that, because I believe you won't fully understand.

I love short clips.

Don't Know What You Are Thinking, But If I Wanted To Bother, I Might.

Next Friday

When It Comes Clear, I Found My Resolve

It's not worth the wait. You might be all of that which I thought about, but I found out that something which you are missing. 


You think she is all that, you think she is worth it, but after watching this 15 minute short clip 'The Crush', I realize, girls are 'stupid', and by that, it means they don't have the maturity and right thought to settle a problem in which that clears up misunderstandings, assumptions and the bullshit you have been through.
I have been through a lot of crap in 18 years of my life, until the time I realize, just today, why I myself fail. Many factors is based on me, but I just found out, most of the girls I failed at and once liked, did not have that maturity I have been looking for, and I just figured that out few minutes ago. Maybe now, that is what I look into someone if I'm intercepting for a kill. And throughout that amount of girls I once like so much, only one had the maturity to clear up the nonsense, and I found out, she was the only one who actually made me hit rock bottom after trying to go for her and fail. Yet, through that, I gained the most painful experience, but learnt plentiful from there. And out of all the rest, she is still a good friend to me :D

So I decided to finally let go, but, that still doesn't mean I don't want to be your friend, because from everyone you know in your life, you will learn something from them, how big or insignificant, it is still experience.
I just learnt that from you, and I want to give a great gratitude to you and believe we all can let bygones be bygones, start a new fresh as good friends. And to the other guy, who from what I heard lied to me, go for it my friend. You will and forever stay a good friend to me, you help me in many things in both past and present. I forgave and let go of any unhappiness and jealousy, because there is no point being sulky over something and regret it later. Feelings are impermanent, so rather realize it now then later.

And thanks loads to the people who drank with me today, really helped me to think that through, as well as that short clip.

Rescuing Sorrows

We Never Lost, We Had Always Won

Well, same pattern? Not so sure. So I just not going to assume.

I have seen many things and what I saw within LSCT today, was the bonds we shared with everyone in FOC for that short amount of time. How close we were to each other, how we have tighten the strings intertwine with one another.

I said this in many places, but it officially has to be on my blog:
LSCT lost? 
No, LSCT is unbeatable, in terms of cheers, in terms of friends, in terms of family. What we did not achieve, we became stronger, and that will help us in the future, both in LSCT and next year's D4F. Winning? It wouldn't be if no one is together to celebrate that victory. Losing? It wouldn't be if everyone celebrates our best efforts. And from what I saw, we never lost, we had always won from the start. 
People, we will be back, and better than ever, as one family :D


And yes we are Awesome FYI. 


More Than Winning

So What Should I Think?

My previous post was about assumption, and assume that I got things logically planned out, but it isn't to what I think it was, or is it?
The thing is, always, whenever I feel down in that way, while blogging or after blogging, she will text me back the message I have long waited for, and she just did. Maybe thats her style, or maybe its done on purpose.I feel bad yet happy, and totally confuse, but, I feel more bad by doubting than having more trust in my friend. I shouldn't have done that. What type of friend doesn't trust their companions? I feel ashame, and am I worth being your friend by saying things about you that way? I just feel horrible.

I do have self-awareness, but it comes at the wrong time.

Yet, I feel that there is another quality inside you: you will not forget about the friends you love and you will always make an effort to make them happy, if it is in your means to do so.
For me to be happy is for me to know the truth, but that has to wait, especially now. The time will come for the truth to be told, but as for now, I stay optimistic, hoping.

I'm Sorry

Impulsion, Assumption and Optimism On The Half

To some, blogging is a form of escaping reality, but to me, it bring me back to what is happening, and actually provides me time to logic out my feelings. Through understanding comes happiness. 

Sometimes, you do things without thinking, its just suddenly, your 'heart', which can be termed as your sub-conscious wantings, just decide for you what to carry out before thinking that 'damn, that was a bad idea'. However, even through that time of impulse, before, during and/or after, give it some thought: Were you aware of what you did? 

If you are now, what are you going to do to rectify it if it was a bad decision? And really, be aware of it as soon as possible, cause the longer you drag, people tend to assume. 

And the next thing is about assumption. I have repeated this to myself and to other many, many times: Do not assume, it just make an ass out of you and me. 

And it does, because at many of times, we assume things without giving it much thought about it, and why we don't give that much thought? Simple, because of once's selfishness. Would it be fair if I assume that Dick is going out with Henry without any proof or evidence to back you up? No, but you will think it that way because you think thats is not my problem. It will become your problem if you have no evidence and spread these things on impulse. Everyone does it, due do lack of self-awareness. To clear things up, ask directly from the source, or, do not assume at all if you have nothing to support yourself with. 

And through all of these problems and politics, you calm down and think, maybe this will end soon, maybe solving this would not be a problem, and there kicks in the optimistic side of you. However much you want to be optimistic, prepare for the worst outcome as well, because of the endless possibilities that this world has to offer, whether bad or good, any bullshit can occur. Optimism can only last you that long, and at certain point, you might feel like giving up, as you see the current situation changing, and all that you felt happy for turns too tears. That is one option. Another option is to stay strong to that believe, hoping on what is possibly false hope, until it actually happens, or you hit rock bottom if it doesn't. The last option, stay optimistic, but be aware of the possibility it doesn't turn out the way you want it and forgo what was the past after learning from its mistakes. 

Optimism, it gives you a slight sense of joy every now and then, but the outcome may kill you, in a both happy and sad manner. 

And I just found out there is a cycle to all this. Impulse was due to Assumption. Through Assumption, comes Impulsiveness. Assumption leads to Optimism. If Optimistic you did not get what you want, that Impulse and Assumption returns.

All in all, the moral is to be self-aware of what you are doing, and why you are doing this. Is it the right thing or the wrong thing to do?

Well, I hoped she would have messaged back, and I got a feeling that what she said earlier on was an excuse to cover up what I already know. I want to get this clear once and for all, but not at such a shot period of time after getting to know her better, it would kill our friendship. If this is true, that you are doing this for the sake of making me feel happy, that is a foolish thing to do, and lying isn't going to help. But if it comes true from the heart then that good. I stay optimistic, hoping that is true. Yet I'm aware of the worst outcome possible. When I got to know you better, then I had a liking over you, and it wasn't at first sight: you have a nice personality, a nice smile, a caring and gentle girl, especially towards animals, whenever you get shot at you don't take it to heart and continue to joke along with others, and a nice companion to talk to about anything, if I and you can find the time to meet. 

Yet, if the outcome was what I predicted to be that bad, that just spoil my image of you, but, I believe that all these qualities are inside you, but its just not portraying it to me. 

However, I'm self-aware of my actions and limits now, but how about you, give it a thought. 

Blogging isn't running away, but self-realization. through it I can understand my problems better, and from there know what to do, plus I make it open to the public so as to not hide anything, because one's secrets can kill an entire population mentally and emotionally, rather than killing a single person. If that one person understands, then I have met an individual who can think at or even better than my level of intellect. 

I found out that usually in the first half of the year, that is where the most problems comes occur. 

Understanding Y

How do you overcome awkward silence?

Awkward silence is never an easy thing to overcome, especially if both party doesn't see eye to eye. An easy way is through friends. If you have a friend who is close to that individual, and whom you are on good terms with, your friend may provide some help to ease the tension, because 1-on-1 talks are never easy. That way, both parties will be able to feel at ease because there is someone else who they are close too to chat and relay a message.
The hard way, however, is just by simply understanding why this happen, just let go of whatever causes that awkward silence, and bring up your guts to talk to the other party. This is not easy because not many people have the understanding to forgive and let go of past events.
However, this is impermanent, as long as you make an effort to overcome it, it will disappear faster. Sometimes, it just takes time before that awkward silence goes away, especially when only one side is trying to overcome it.

Whatever you can or cannot think of, stupid or intelligent, personal or relationships, just Ziam :D