Then what about Twitter? Yes, I made it out of impulse, but I got a feeling I will continue using it. However, will it be the same outcome as the other 3? I have been through 14 failures, and I say, I don't want a 15, although I should be OK with this happening again, but in actual fact, I fear.
I may seem to know every single thing, but this is something I'm alien to. I really don't know how to approach this, or I just don't want to approach it, I don't know. I want to get through this myself, but I know I need friends to help. Do they really help? Yes they support you in spirit, and might give a good word or two, but will day actually make it better or for worst? I wonder.
In the end, I can't blame my friends for the outcome, I can't blame anyone about it, only me. Even if there are external factors suppressing my chances, adapt to it, find a way around it. It's my fault for all the failures, not anyone, and I just have to suck it up and do whatever it takes to get what I want, if all else fails again, so let it be, so let life go on. I'll will have to face it one day, and whatever happens, I won't regret. I don't care what my friends says, just adapt to it, I have lived with it more than I can remember.
I got to admit though, I feel like a loser, on many occasions, and I don't know if others feel the same way. Always complaining, thinking about stuff in the future and not acting on it, thing about the person I like but not doing anything about it, or not doing enough. Thinking that when others look at me, they look at me in a good way, they talk behind my back as it was something good. So loser-like of me, ain't it? I do wish I'm wrong at times. Yet I think, complaining is a way to give feedback, and thinking that people are looking at and talking about me in a good view boost my self-esteem. And one more thing, I believe I'm right. For this, I wish I wasn't right about it.
Yet, a loser to others may mean always giving up, forgetting the people who made you who you are, only caring about themselves, would be the first to run, always pessimistic, thinking that they are the best, thinking that they no need help, that they can do everything. Sadly some of them I show from time to time, but I'll will never leave people behind, I will never give up, I am always putting others ahead of me, willing to treat myself like shit so that others can be glorified, and I will never forget the people who I met and known, taking note of even the smallest detail I had and enjoy with them. I may carry these ideals, but I still feel a loser.
Backtracking to the part where I got a twitter, this just shows I fell hard for you. And I may fall harder if things goes out the way I don't want it to happen. However, after 14 times, I am able to climb back up to ground level. People might think, that doesn't mean much to you, yes it does, it's just that I can come to consensus that 'I can't do anything more, I wish you all the best, hope we stay as friends, I will remember the small and awesome time we had, and hope we can have more in the future' better from understanding impermanence. In the end, this life journey will be worth it, it something totally new, and I should learn something about it.
15? So be it.
Hope Edging
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