Week 3, The Difficulty Starts

Week 3, Day 1(15): I want to bang my head on the wall, things are getting tougher from now on. 

Well, the last time I blog was 2 weeks ago, before, school reopened. I struggle my way through the first week. Picked up some tips along the way. Did I mention I was vegetarian now? Surprised, surprised. 

Many people still doesn't know why I'm vegetarian. Well, I always wanted to be. And one day I went to this vegetarian restaurant, and the phrases and words there made me think, that is so true. I decided to start now, but slowly, by stop eating pork first, then chicken, then fish. Not only is this good from karma, I won't contract as much diseases by eating meat, will be healthier, will make me look better. However, a series of unfortunate events made me direct my focus to being vegetarian as soon as possible, to keep my mind of things, since its long term. Maybe some people might feel its stupid, but it does work for me. And I wanted to be vegetarian for awhile, so why not now? 

Where else to start? Lets go back to Saturday first, where I watched 'In Time' with the SBM family. Although the concept wasn't heavy portrayed, the desperation for humans to live longer, and the mental torture to know how much more time you have in this world everyday, is crazy. The rich lives forever, the poor just die at the age of 26. You are really paying your life by the second, literally. Everyday, you just wish you can live longer, seeing a day on your watch left, you just want more. The action was alright, the ending wasn't all that great, the show didn't pull me in, and concept wasn't properly explained. I'll give it a 6/10 because of the idea and the emotions shown in the movie. To a certain extent, you can feel the pain of seeing everyone around you die, and still have the will to live, even for the wrong intentions. And to think, you must cherish your time everyday, every hour, every minute every second, because you can do a lot in a day, other than just wasting your time away. Currently, I'm not making use of that time yet. 

I don't know, but why is it so strong? Why can't I let go? Why am I waiting? I question myself that. I never see flaws, I see everything beautiful about you. Your commitment, your smile, your stand on something you belief, the kind and warm you portray, that sensibility. If someone was with you, he is lucky to have you, and he better make you happy. I just don't know, I'll wait, I just feel it will be worth it, I don't know if that feeling is true. Is it? I want to know. I thought it was, but if it isn't, that means I have been a jerk. I could have been close friends, without this air lingering around, I spoiled a friendship, how selfish of me. All I want now, is just to be good friends. It feels heavy when I'm around you, but I don't know, maybe its just a crush, and I'll get over it, maybe it isn't, maybe I'm really lo... don't say it to soon. I must sort out my feelings first. Lets just be good friends, Ok? Then we see where it goes... 

Now that I got that off, maybe is time to do something meaningful for a change, I should save up and get a keyboard, should be time for one, and to start learning. And I finally bought my ear piece :)

P.S. I forgot, vegetarian food saves me a hell lot of money :D 

P.S.P.S. I still got a hell lot of things not done yet D:

Exponential Difficulty

Last Days Of The Holidays

Well, its been... Different, this entire holiday. The list of things I wanted to do has not been completed. Had my ups and lows, had talks, had worries, had fun, made memories, made friends, learn, improve, many new things.

I have learn to never stab your friends in your back, never bad mouth them, never leave a friend behind, respect them for who they are, accept them for what they are, and if you can change them for the better. Friends are important.

I looked out the window, I listen to advice, I say my thoughts, and I things through. I talk with people, asked for help, I learn from them through sight and sound, and they made my day.

I'll never forget the times, the smiles, the joy. I also will never forget the pain, the insults, the regrets.

Went to cycling, made a twitter, went to loft, admire someone, the camps I went, the countless days coming back to school, sending people off, picking people up, staying up in the night, drinking. Awesome time.

This holiday was great, but all good things come to an end, and other good things will sprout out in time. I just have to tackle the challenges that is going at me head on, fight with it and not matter how much I fall. Stay strong. No one is a loser, everyone comes out a winner. I got a feeling its going to be tough, foresight tells me this, but time will tell.

Nervous Intensity

This Weekend Changed My View Of Life

To think, two days has changed me a lot. Understanding myself, understanding others, finding out that there is more to life than petty problems we face everyday. The three weekends (Yes, I consider Friday as my weekend) have taught me plentiful, its long, I'll tell you.

I fear of rejection, I'm not lying. I fear of failure, I'm not lying to that too. How I face it when I come face to face with it? I hide. I always told myself that I won't hide, but I still have been doing it even after I quoted it. I play, have fun, so that I won't think about it, and then face it later, when it doesn't hurt that much, and also the fact that most men can't multi-task well. Fact.
And once I got used to the pain, I got over things faster, but I still haven't face my fear, reason? I fear of separation. One thing I dislike about separation is the awkward phase, and that phase can range drastically, and I hate unexpectedness happening.
'We always tell ourselves expect the unexpected? I punch you in the face, than I'll ask if you expected that.' A funny quote I saw online. We must expect anything possible to happen though, even that type of things.
Going back on topic: yes, that something I fear the most. I know that it is impermanent, life and all, but, I want it to be, at least until the day that I die. And with all these 3 fears, it leads up to a very big one(or a small one in fact): Fear of popping THE question. And yes, I would hide if I met them.

But that was the past, or before Friday at least. During the weekends, I learned that there are worst things to my 'problems' which I sub-consciously created, they might not be even problems, and sometimes they are actually opportunities. Worst things like my grades, balancing my social life and my work life, my goals being at stake etc. etc. And I also learn that my 'problems' are actually nothing much in other people's eyes, they have faced worst. And this kept me thinking: Why am I so selfish? Why do I get emotional over something so trivial, something I have been through what seems like a thousand over times to others, when there are others getting worst out there? Why didn't I make the effort to help them instead of harping over my problems? And instead insult them, mock them, stab them through their chest from the back? I can't believe I did that as a human, I don't even think am one, more like a monster.

'It's not something to be proud off, what I'm proud of is that through this, I can enlighten others who are in need of help, let them realize that there is much more than what you are facing now,' from the friend who enlighten me, paraphrasing what he said. His stories were surprising, but not to the fact that I was mind-blown. From the first day I met him, I knew that nothing is simple about him. And when you give up your selfish thoughts, and put yourself in someone else's shoes, you will know how difficult it was for my friend. Even I have no idea how I would do it. Thinking that Buddhism had helped me so far, I found out that my friends around me had help me too. To get through difficult times, to advice me on things which benefit me, to change me the way I am now. If I could, and I would, I would have been there for him if I knew him at those times of turmoil. Thanks for being there for me now, I'll be there for you when you need it too.

'If you lose your self-confidence, you are a loser'. That was another phrase that struck my head. I was always booming with self-confidence every single day, but when it came down to this problem, this situation, I pulled me all the way back to the point of 'no confidence'. And when he told me that, I totally wanted to slap myself: what for being upset of something when you have not even tried it yet? How can I have no confidence in something I have not even tried out? And that's the point where I say 'hey, you know what? I'm a winner, I'm never a loser. Whatever I do, I do not regret, I do with pride. If there is a mistake, learn and not repeat, because everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. I'm a winner, and so is everyone else'. That totally pull me back up as high as I can't see.

'I may had liked her, or her, or even her, but I try not to bother about these things, so everything will be natural'. And that kept me thinking, I may like her, and I keep thinking about her, but that just voids every other possible thought I could have which would have made my life better. So I know I like her more than a friend, and so let that feeling be. I have other things more important to worry about than that, if it turns out right where I want it, it will. So now just let her get used to me being around, being comfortable, and if it doesn't progress, I'll still will like her more than a friend, but I will treat her as my younger sister, and then so be it, I'll feel happy that she is around me. As long as her feelings for me as a friend, or maybe even a older brother, lasts.

And I got a strong feeling she more or less knows that I like her, cause of all the craziness that happened, but she doesn't shows signs of being uncomfortable around me, yet, feeling glad about that. I heard that she treats me more like having a brother-sister relationship, which I think its too early to say that, but who knows? It may turn out being best bro/sis, and I would be contented enough. Scared though that if she does read this blog, she thinks that I'm a weirdo or something, and if that happens, well, that's sad to hear, and worst still if she avoids me, but what to do? Just Move Along like the All American Rejects: go listen, its a good song. Life still has to carry on no matter what.

And today was a fruitful day, I clean my hamster cage, I went to SBM, and I learnt about facing fears from the sharing. It might not be as much as the day before, but I still something to take note. I accepted that I have fear and suffering within me, within this world, thorough the 4 noble truths. which leads to the noble 8 fold paths, the part of right understanding hit me. If I understood impermanence, I would know that it happens to relationships, I would also know that feelings are impermanent, but I'll try, I'll try to make things better if possible, if not, I'll stay contented at where it is, not lower. And through these right understandings, I can decide on the right actions and right effort I put in. And when I realized that, a flower bloomed within me. Lapak and had dinner with the guys, before going off to meet and fetch the Wuhan brothers home, or at least at the airport. Thanks Brandon's dad for dropping me off at my house, appreciated it :)

To summarized what I learn these few days: Be selfless, put yourself in others shoes, don't let small problems affect you: it may not even be a problem after all, never stab your friends: help them instead, be contented with what you have now: nothing is forever permanent, if it goes you let go, if there is a challenge deal with it, Buddhism helps in my way of life.

I really, like I always do, thanks my friends throughout the world getting to know you, my belief in Buddhism, myself for being able to get through shit alive, because without them and my family, I would not have been what I am today, Glen TitinyQwerz Tan ;) You all are truly awesome, never forget that people :) Do stay in touch ;D

Well I got some cycling to do with Dr Koh and Kai Feng at ECP tomorrow, or later, so got to sleep soon.

Never live your life with regrets, be close to the people you love, and work towards the life you want. Nothing is impossible, its just an excuse not to try. And stay happy, care not about the things they do, but the feelings they have had going through it. Never take your friends for granted or worst, stabbing them from behind, be glad to have them and appreciate them, even if no one appreciate the things you do, be glad you did it for the sake of them being happy, for it being the right thing to do, and Move Along.

My Friends, Family and Myself: I Love You All. Peace Out.

Unlocking Myself

I'm Filled With Sugar, Rearrange It

I'm currently still in sugar rush mode, so I'm getting crazy online and posting stuff. Therefore I going to post more stuff till it wears off. So I got a puzzle, rearrange it:
This is to you.
I can say though, I dislike being cut off.
I Can't believe I'm saying this now.
Got a feeling there is going to be headaches involve in the morning.
It hurts when you end it suddenly.
I'm starting to get hook on twitter, die dude, die. *shotgun BANG*
I wait and wait.
Don't stop.
And when it doesn't return.
Seriously I'm getting hooked on it.
I assume things to make me happy.
I needs my enjoyment time, oh ya, I had it just now and it was AWESOME!
Tired to do so, slip of mind, busy.
Half way through a conversation.
But when I see that you can do other things and not bother.
Ice cream, scandals, gossip, and lots of screaming, two thumbs!
Somewhere in me breaks
Anticipation sucks when it there no show.
I don't know why.
Stupid stories and its cliff hangers, die.
I feel like crap, like a loser.
*Cries*
Why does this happen.
It's like a cliff-hanger.*Jumps off a cliff*
Please reply, or end it properly.
Don't know why I still eat wrong things when I'm already like shit.
Don't leave me there waiting, hanging edging.
Control more.
I'll wait, I have to persevere to get what I want
It always does, sucks thumb get over it, continue until its really over.
My heart may ache
Sleep makes me happy, you make me happy.
But I stay strong.
Hayden an asshole though.
I cannot say I love you, not yet.
Still good.
But don't ignore me please.
Friends are awesome sauce.
Acknowledge and reply, or finish it, that's all I need
Abrupt endings fail to the max.
I don't like it hanging there.

Where there isn't a proper ending to it.

It hurts

OK I'm done, so its now time for you to solve this puzzle, or maybe not. I'm starting to feel the fatigue kicking in. Time to sleep.
You can brighten up my day any time, just don't ignore it.
Sugar Attraction

Friends: The Sacrifice I'm Willing To Go Through

Friends, they do everything. They have fun with you, make you laugh, joke with you, insult you, scold you, cause havoc with you, are there for you, help you, argue with you, hate you, fight with you, envy you, understand you, misunderstand you, do shit with you. I know that many things I said above have some bad elements to it, but that what friends do. And then you think, if they do everything, doesn't that mean everyone is your friend? 

I look at it that way. Its good to do so, and this allows me to treat everyone equally, if the factors allow me to. However, I don't expect everyone to treat me in that way. They may treat me like dirt, treat me like crap, see me as an asshole, like a joke, a loner, but I still will treat them as a friend. What is the point of making someone unhappy? What good is there? I won't argue, I won't retaliate, because it builds up tension and there is no point to do so. I'll just take their scoldings, their insults, their remarks, their comments, I would rather let them be right than I be right and lose my friend, what glory is there to it? I rather lose my pride, my ability to stand up for myself, my own image in the eyes of others that lose someone entirely.

Friends, it takes so much sacrifice to have them, but in the end, its all worth the crap. 

Unfriendly Companions 

Side Note: I Have a Very Bad Feeling That Number 15 is Coming Soon, Damn.

A Paradox Of Story And Random

I do many things because of people. I made this blog because of someone I liked. I made a Facebook for someone I liked. I made a MSN because of someone I liked, and for gaming as well. And in the end, I did not regret making a blog, I did not regret having a Facebook, nor did I regret having a MSN. And then came Twitter, and soon I won't regret having a Twitter. In the end of all of this, I wasn't with any of them, sadly, but that's fine, because I found joy and convenience in the things I did from the start to the end, with my blog, facebook, MSN. And I do have to thank them. 

Then what about Twitter? Yes, I made it out of impulse, but I got a feeling I will continue using it. However, will it be the same outcome as the other 3? I have been through 14 failures, and I say, I don't want a 15, although I should be OK with this happening again, but in actual fact, I fear. 

I may seem to know every single thing, but this is something I'm alien to. I really don't know how to approach this, or I just don't want to approach it, I don't know. I want to get through this myself, but I know I need friends to help. Do they really help? Yes they support you in spirit, and might give a good word or two, but will day actually make it better or for worst? I wonder. 

In the end, I can't blame my friends for the outcome, I can't blame anyone about it, only me. Even if there are external factors suppressing my chances, adapt to it, find a way around it. It's my fault for all the failures, not anyone, and I just have to suck it up and do whatever it takes to get what I want, if all else fails again, so let it be, so let life go on. I'll will have to face it one day, and whatever happens, I won't regret. I don't care what my friends says, just adapt to it, I have lived with it more than I can remember. 

I got to admit though, I feel like a loser, on many occasions, and I don't know if others feel the same way. Always complaining, thinking about stuff in the future and not acting on it, thing about the person I like but not doing anything about it, or not doing enough. Thinking that when others look at me, they look at me in a good way, they talk behind my back as it was something good. So loser-like of me, ain't it? I do wish I'm wrong at times. Yet I think, complaining is a way to give feedback, and thinking that people are looking at and talking about me in a good view boost my self-esteem. And one more thing, I believe I'm right. For this, I wish I wasn't right about it. 

Yet, a loser to others may mean always giving up, forgetting the people who made you who you are, only caring about themselves, would be the first to run, always pessimistic, thinking that they are the best, thinking that they no need help, that they can do everything. Sadly some of them I show from time to time, but I'll will never leave people behind, I will never give up, I am always putting others ahead of me, willing to treat myself like shit so that others can be glorified, and I will never forget the people who I met and known, taking note of even the smallest detail I had and enjoy with them. I may carry these ideals, but I still feel a loser. 

Backtracking to the part where I got a twitter, this just shows I fell hard for you. And I may fall harder if things goes out the way I don't want it to happen. However, after 14 times, I am able to climb back up to ground level. People might think, that doesn't mean much to you, yes it does, it's just that I can come to consensus that 'I can't do anything more, I wish you all the best, hope we stay as friends, I will remember the small and awesome time we had, and hope we can have more in the future' better from understanding impermanence. In the end, this life journey will be worth it, it something totally new, and I should learn something about it. 

15? So be it. 

Hope Edging 

Confused: Unsung or Fame

Who wouldn't want it? Popularity? Fame? Attention? Who doesn't want it? Appreciation? Recognition? Acceptance? We all say we don't, we tell them there isn't a need for it. But, within us, we want it. It's a simple form of reverse psychology. No matter how much you force yourself saying, you no need help, you no need this, you no need that, inside you, there is a small bit which says 'it's not true, I want it'. 

For a person like me, yes, I feel that way at times, like when I say there is no need for this, there is no need for that, I don't mean it, but it I only feel that way if they ask 'you need it?'. If they keep their mouth shut, I feel, what is the point for them to show attention, to recognize me, to appreciate what I have done? And a scenario like this, makes me think: Screw popularity, screw attention, screw recognition, screw appreciation, as long as I'm doing things right, as long as I'm doing things I like, doing things not against my morals, then I no need all of it, because what I'm doing, it makes me happy. 

In the situation however, when they ask, I feel that they want me, need me, appreciate me. And then, I'll pull the 'Nah, it's ok, I don't need it', so I can feel more appreciation. Sounds kinda dumb, I know, but if I can get more, then why not?

And it is because of these two conflicting scenarios, at times, I don't know if I want popularity, fame, attention, appreciation, recognition, acceptance, at times I like being an unsung hero, someone that gets the job done, and nothing more that it being another day, being it simple, nothing complicated. And at times, I want people to listen to me, to hear me out, where maybe I can do something more, when they need me, want me there. 

And as how I deal my problems, I figure them out myself, usually. It's easy at times, but sometimes, it takes someone to inspire, to help me. I wonder if I can find that someone. 

Wondering Preferences 

Crushing On Her

Everyone know this famous phrase 'once bitten, twice shy'. And it is mainly used for many things, one of it is love. Love is a very big topic to cover, but its something everyone must face. And of course, almost everyone, needs love, those who doesn't are people who will eat your souls, most probably.

Now, let go to something more specific. Let talk about crushing on someone. I for one, am a person that can fall for someone very easily, mainly because I take more notice on their good points, what makes girls beautiful to take note, to look at, to smile at, and less notice on their bad ones. Being it on the surface like pretty, cute, hot ,to their character like nice, smart, elegant, caring, I don't see much of a flaw. And when even I see a flaw, I always believe that it can be corrected. However, do take note that the form of crushing only happens when you barely got to know the person. Whether or not you develop strong feelings or just that 'I just want to be friends with this awesome person' happens later on, only when you get to know them better. So basically, crushing is the basic form before actual love is cultivated, and it is usually one-sided, until some time later, or maybe never.

So, what with the phrase 'once bitten, twice shy'? Well, if so happens that you do develop strong feelings, you would start doing stupid things at times without thinking, because that feelings will cause a blur when evaluating. At times risking it works, but in my case, I fail quite a lot, to an extent that the phrase would not apply to me, but still does. Sure I'm immune to the pain of rejection, where I usually get over it fast and pretend nothing wrong or awkward has happened, but guess what? I'm still afraid of it. Being through things made me think through my actions better, much more logical, but to a point where there is an abyss in the way. Sure, it may have gone smoothly so far, but I lack that risk to jump over. And seeing that my standing broad jump isn't that good in both aspects, I always fail to make it over, make it in time, or just don't jump.

For a person like me, I hate risk, simply put it, cause its not foolproof. Factors always affect the entire thing, and when it does, you usually screw yourself. Of cause, everyone ask you to go for it and all, but stupidly, it not their life, it yours, and you are screwing with it. That's why I'm keeping it a secret, something I need to deal with myself, something that no one knows or take seriously of me.

One more thing, I hate keeping secrets, but I can, it just pains me that I can't tell to someone close to at times. Why? Simple, I like gossip, who doesn't?

I hold the burden in, with much control. I want help, but I believe in myself, and sometimes, it sucks. Why you must tell a secret to someone? It's something you need to talk about, so you can share the load, seek friends for advice, or just to develop a common topic to talk about or make friends. Trust is something which might be lost, when undervalued, if you spread a secret. So now the problem is, should I?

I lost myself halfway typing, so if parts of it seems rubbish, then it is. According to the list, it has stayed stagnant from the last time, so I don't bother typing it out again, until a significant change. More or less you know from this post, I'm crushing on someone, which I feel impossible to get, even though I say impossible is an excuse not to try. Why? Simple, she is nice, sociable, cute, pretty, sweet, fun-loving, and this list can go on and on and on, and to think, which guy would not have an eye on her? Or even some guy is already with her for all I know. I may lack confidence, but my ego and self-esteem has never left me one bit.

Confidence, i need to find it.

On a side note, awesome day today. Porridge was awesome and the after dinner activities and antics were great.

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