This feeling, when someone gets hurt, it pains me to see, even hear. Yet its temporary.
This feeling, when the elderly get hurt, you can't stand and bare the pain of it going on. It's still temporary, but it hit you harder.
What about a family member, old, in her eighties, and you found out she got hurt badly?
That feeling, which I call 'fear' was induced within when I heard the bad news.
Coming home from fencing, I thought it would be a fine day, like any other day, late, playing with my hamster, and stuff. I was told that my grandma was sent to the hospital. My heart sank when I heard this from my maid. She told me that her hand was caught between the door when it slowly closed. I asked if it was bleeding, when she told me it was, I shaken, but I hoped it wasn't that serious, and just relax and continue doing my stuff.
When my mum came back to tell me the story, I couldn't believe that my grandma had suffered for around 2 hours with a piece of her flesh coming our from her little finger, and she refused to go the the hospital. She still had the strength to eat, even when her hand continue bleeding. She just did not want my maid to tell my uncle or my other aunts and my mum, she said 'I don't want to worry them, just bare with it'.
When I heard that, I thought 'ah-ma, how can you go through these suffering? At the cost of possibly your own life?'
Luckily, my maid was smart to inform them, but it was a bit to late, the doctor say that the flesh can't be fix back, but it will heal. My grandma will just have to settle with a shorter little finger. And the thought of it gave me mix feelings. Whether it was disgust, pain, disbelief, it was very unpleasant. Even I could feel the pain in my mum's words, and she could feel the pain too.
My grandma has went through harder times, so I believe she is strong enough to endure this pain, for 2 hours, but she could have lost a lot of blood, and that ain't good for someone in her eighties. If I did not go for fencing, or I did not do my project, and went home, this would not have happen, or at least the damage would not be so bad. Why wasn't I there? I would sacrifice everything for friends, and even more for family members, because I love them. She has always been there for me, supporting me from behind secretly, always concerned about me. I can't do anything for her yet, but only get good grades like she always wanted me too, and bring her to my graduation day. Maybe sub-consciously, I wanted to show her my good results, so I stayed back to do my project, to make everyone happy, but I feel that this is just an excuse.
I see her every morning, and sometimes when I come home around 7-8pm, while she is watching the Cantonese Soap Oprah on Channel 8. And all I say is hi and bye to her. It is only now, that I feel, that is not enough.
This fear, of my grandma being hurt, of her being sent to the hospital, of her bleeding, of her with the risk of blood lost(I'm not going to go there), only makes me think that I don't cherish her existence that much as she cherishes mine.
I fear that it won't be the same without her, even if I don't see her often.
I fear that I won't be able to show her my graduation day, before anything happens to her.
I fear that I did not show enough love to her the way she loved me.
I fear that there won't be another chance.
I fear the death of my family members.
I thought I was fine with death, as it is part of life, of the cycle of impermanence, but of a family member who has been living under my roof for most of my life, I can't bare to let go. My grandma is more or less prepared, but I'm not, not yet. It is through incidents like this which makes you think otherwise, how anything can happen at anytime, so cherish them, cherish the people, cherish your family.
I love you grandma, I pray and hope everything will be fine.
Fearing Odds
