*END*

500, Post, most probably the last. I'll shall let this remain and rot in the data stream forever. Good-bye.

All Well That Ends Well 2011 (Well Just Wanted To Post Something on My Blog Before The New Year, Will Post Later)

What makes you happy?

Being me :D

Hey Person, Ya You, Ask Something, Ask Anything :D

So What Did Yo Do During Your Extra Weekend?

Well, for one thing, I slept. And that's about all I guess. What a waste of a weekend? Nah.

Lets start on a Saturday. Short and sweet, I went to SBM to help out in Kathina Day: a day where we pay respect and offer new robes to the fellow monks. Well, there wasn't much to do, other than carrying things from one end to another. Slacked at SBM for awhile, and saw something unexpected. Dylan, for some reason, threw a bottle, and FK face was in the path of the revolving bottle(hitting here was unintentional of course). So something moving at such a high speed, with a face in it line of movement isn't a good sign. And within a split second, I saw FK on the floor holding on to her face. We all went up to see if she was alright. A fact from her shattered specs and the sudden shock, she wasn't in any serious danger, thankfully, just a bruise on he check and a deep imprint on the side of her bridge.

Anyway, went down for a shopping trip with whoever who was still at SBM, which was Ernest, Vicky, XinYi, Dylan, KaiWen and FK. Well, since FK glasses broke, I loan her mine so she could window shop, and had to follow her around because she was holding on to my specs, and visibility was bad. Well, I started talking to her about stuff, and then, well, she sort of made me think through things clearer, and I appreciated that, thanks. :D Followed KaiWen to meet up with JianYong to play pool. And cabbed home.

Kathina Day, and I became the flag bearer. Help out in other stuff, which I'm kinda lazy to describe. After lunch, packed up a little and went home early to prepare for night cycling.

And then the adventure starts, but seeing that I got to sleep, I'm just gonna jump to the good part, where my bicycle wheel got punctured during the ride. There was an instant I heard a 'pop' sound, soon after, I needed more strength to paddle at the same speed my friends were paddling, and finally I heard the metal rim scrapping against the hard cement below. I ran pushing my bike to the nearest petrol kiosk. Pumped back air into the wheel, and off we went. However, after covering 2km worth of road, the rim started to make sounds again. Looking for an alternative, we decided that we go down to Magdalene house, which was close to the Kiosk where we re-inflated the wheel. So I pushed the bike 2km to her house, running. Awesome stuff. Continue to cycle and complete the route. When we arrived at East Coast Park, it was just in time for the sunrise, and it was awesome. After returning the bikes, we had breakfast and went home to have a good rest. Another adventure not to be forgotten.

I got to say, thanks to everyone who helped me and endured my problem with me. Wouldn't have got through this without you guys. Sad to say I wasn't much of use in the end :/

This weekend has thought me many things. Has inspired me to do more. Has made me a better person. Best of all, I'm back to my normal cheerful self again :D

Giving Up? Not Now. Still Need Time To Think.

Adventure Galore

A True Story Of A Boy

It was morning, the sun wasn't up, the sky was still dark, and I only had 4 hours of sleep. However, stupidity forced me to get out off my bed, no matter how much my good buddy, 'the brain', horned at me to just laze around like a fat cat I always was. My brain thought it was stupid to wake up this early, the reason why was even worst in his opinion, and started to hate me for doing it. I believe it was just tired though. 

Sprung out of bed, and immediately, without hesitation, went to the commode to wash up, take a crap and bath. Look at the sundial, 10 minutes left before the horse wagon leaves the station. With no time to lose, spread my spread on a slice of bread, took some awful drink, 5 minutes on the clock and I rushed out of the cottage. The feeling of the wind going against your body as I ran on the dirt road, was awesome, and since no donkeys, wagons, carriages or pull-carts took up much of the road because it not even dawn yet, It just felt like I owned the whole world. Reached the station 3 minutes before the first wagon left. 

Upon entering the wagon, the seats were totally empty, and that 'I owned the world feeling and no one can stop me' feeling occurred again. It just felt so awesome. I took out the banjo I brought along with me, and played my heart out, singing along to the tunes and such. It seems so peaceful. 

After an hour's journey, I got off the wagon, and hasten my movement, and reach my destination in 5 minutes. I stood in front of a barnyard, waiting for the doors to open. My brain is still lecturing me that it's a bad idea, but I wouldn't listen. A wondering merchant saw me, noticed that I was waiting anxiously for the gates to be opened. 

'you got to ask the guard to open it for you, my young boy!' He yelled.

'And how do you find him?' I questioned.

'He won't be here for another half a piece!' The merchant mentioned as he advanced to me, 'What are you doing here anyway?' 

'Left something in the royal barn, got to get it back as soon as possible.' I replied. 

'Haha! Well my friend good luck with that.' And he went off on his way. 

5 minutes in, and my impatient tendency kicked in. I decided to look for alternative ways to get in. Looking up and down, high and low, left and right, just for a opening where I can get in. Well, I did find a window, and you guessed it, I decided to go through that rather huge 'entrance'. However, the barn had 2 levels, and I noticed that there is nothing which leads me down to the first level. The only possible way to get down, was to jump. I did contemplate on doing that, but sneaking in is already a bad enough offence, and if I jumped down, I have no way back up. Thinking it through, I noticed that the inside of the barn was apparently quite dark. Remembering that I went fishing yesterday, and to the grass fields after to do some firefly catching with Xavier in the night, I immediately took out my fish rod, and my jar full of fireflies, mostly live. Shook the jar a bit to agitate them, and the jar immediately lit up. Tired the string to the jar and lowered it down to the first floor to brighten up the area. 

Took me awhile, but I saw something glitter in the light, which I got a feeling that was what I was searching for. Just when I was about to leave, I heard footsteps, I had the thought to hide but it was too late, the guard in-charged of the area spotted me. He pull me out and reprimanded me. Well, I knew I was in the wrong, but I did try to explain my self, but it was to no use. He wanted to bring me back to the royal guardhouse for questioning. I decide to follow suit, but requested that he help me open the gates so I can get the thing I'm looking for. He agreed nicely though. 

After opening the gates, I rushed in and put my things aside to look for it. Seems that the object which was glittering on the floor was what I was looking for. 

The Guard was curious and ask 'So what was it that was so important which you lost?' 

'It something which is precious to my friend, a ring' I answered. 

The guard gave me a weird glance, and I told him again 'more or less you know why I came in such a rush to look for it.' 

The guard gave a thought, and reluctantly replied 'alright, I'll let this matter go to rest, don't let me catch you doing this again.' 

I thank him like a crazy man, and quickly left the area. 

So being a good person does pay off. 

Well, it happened... In my context :)

Reckless Redemption

Week 3, The Difficulty Starts

Week 3, Day 1(15): I want to bang my head on the wall, things are getting tougher from now on. 

Well, the last time I blog was 2 weeks ago, before, school reopened. I struggle my way through the first week. Picked up some tips along the way. Did I mention I was vegetarian now? Surprised, surprised. 

Many people still doesn't know why I'm vegetarian. Well, I always wanted to be. And one day I went to this vegetarian restaurant, and the phrases and words there made me think, that is so true. I decided to start now, but slowly, by stop eating pork first, then chicken, then fish. Not only is this good from karma, I won't contract as much diseases by eating meat, will be healthier, will make me look better. However, a series of unfortunate events made me direct my focus to being vegetarian as soon as possible, to keep my mind of things, since its long term. Maybe some people might feel its stupid, but it does work for me. And I wanted to be vegetarian for awhile, so why not now? 

Where else to start? Lets go back to Saturday first, where I watched 'In Time' with the SBM family. Although the concept wasn't heavy portrayed, the desperation for humans to live longer, and the mental torture to know how much more time you have in this world everyday, is crazy. The rich lives forever, the poor just die at the age of 26. You are really paying your life by the second, literally. Everyday, you just wish you can live longer, seeing a day on your watch left, you just want more. The action was alright, the ending wasn't all that great, the show didn't pull me in, and concept wasn't properly explained. I'll give it a 6/10 because of the idea and the emotions shown in the movie. To a certain extent, you can feel the pain of seeing everyone around you die, and still have the will to live, even for the wrong intentions. And to think, you must cherish your time everyday, every hour, every minute every second, because you can do a lot in a day, other than just wasting your time away. Currently, I'm not making use of that time yet. 

I don't know, but why is it so strong? Why can't I let go? Why am I waiting? I question myself that. I never see flaws, I see everything beautiful about you. Your commitment, your smile, your stand on something you belief, the kind and warm you portray, that sensibility. If someone was with you, he is lucky to have you, and he better make you happy. I just don't know, I'll wait, I just feel it will be worth it, I don't know if that feeling is true. Is it? I want to know. I thought it was, but if it isn't, that means I have been a jerk. I could have been close friends, without this air lingering around, I spoiled a friendship, how selfish of me. All I want now, is just to be good friends. It feels heavy when I'm around you, but I don't know, maybe its just a crush, and I'll get over it, maybe it isn't, maybe I'm really lo... don't say it to soon. I must sort out my feelings first. Lets just be good friends, Ok? Then we see where it goes... 

Now that I got that off, maybe is time to do something meaningful for a change, I should save up and get a keyboard, should be time for one, and to start learning. And I finally bought my ear piece :)

P.S. I forgot, vegetarian food saves me a hell lot of money :D 

P.S.P.S. I still got a hell lot of things not done yet D:

Exponential Difficulty

Last Days Of The Holidays

Well, its been... Different, this entire holiday. The list of things I wanted to do has not been completed. Had my ups and lows, had talks, had worries, had fun, made memories, made friends, learn, improve, many new things.

I have learn to never stab your friends in your back, never bad mouth them, never leave a friend behind, respect them for who they are, accept them for what they are, and if you can change them for the better. Friends are important.

I looked out the window, I listen to advice, I say my thoughts, and I things through. I talk with people, asked for help, I learn from them through sight and sound, and they made my day.

I'll never forget the times, the smiles, the joy. I also will never forget the pain, the insults, the regrets.

Went to cycling, made a twitter, went to loft, admire someone, the camps I went, the countless days coming back to school, sending people off, picking people up, staying up in the night, drinking. Awesome time.

This holiday was great, but all good things come to an end, and other good things will sprout out in time. I just have to tackle the challenges that is going at me head on, fight with it and not matter how much I fall. Stay strong. No one is a loser, everyone comes out a winner. I got a feeling its going to be tough, foresight tells me this, but time will tell.

Nervous Intensity

This Weekend Changed My View Of Life

To think, two days has changed me a lot. Understanding myself, understanding others, finding out that there is more to life than petty problems we face everyday. The three weekends (Yes, I consider Friday as my weekend) have taught me plentiful, its long, I'll tell you.

I fear of rejection, I'm not lying. I fear of failure, I'm not lying to that too. How I face it when I come face to face with it? I hide. I always told myself that I won't hide, but I still have been doing it even after I quoted it. I play, have fun, so that I won't think about it, and then face it later, when it doesn't hurt that much, and also the fact that most men can't multi-task well. Fact.
And once I got used to the pain, I got over things faster, but I still haven't face my fear, reason? I fear of separation. One thing I dislike about separation is the awkward phase, and that phase can range drastically, and I hate unexpectedness happening.
'We always tell ourselves expect the unexpected? I punch you in the face, than I'll ask if you expected that.' A funny quote I saw online. We must expect anything possible to happen though, even that type of things.
Going back on topic: yes, that something I fear the most. I know that it is impermanent, life and all, but, I want it to be, at least until the day that I die. And with all these 3 fears, it leads up to a very big one(or a small one in fact): Fear of popping THE question. And yes, I would hide if I met them.

But that was the past, or before Friday at least. During the weekends, I learned that there are worst things to my 'problems' which I sub-consciously created, they might not be even problems, and sometimes they are actually opportunities. Worst things like my grades, balancing my social life and my work life, my goals being at stake etc. etc. And I also learn that my 'problems' are actually nothing much in other people's eyes, they have faced worst. And this kept me thinking: Why am I so selfish? Why do I get emotional over something so trivial, something I have been through what seems like a thousand over times to others, when there are others getting worst out there? Why didn't I make the effort to help them instead of harping over my problems? And instead insult them, mock them, stab them through their chest from the back? I can't believe I did that as a human, I don't even think am one, more like a monster.

'It's not something to be proud off, what I'm proud of is that through this, I can enlighten others who are in need of help, let them realize that there is much more than what you are facing now,' from the friend who enlighten me, paraphrasing what he said. His stories were surprising, but not to the fact that I was mind-blown. From the first day I met him, I knew that nothing is simple about him. And when you give up your selfish thoughts, and put yourself in someone else's shoes, you will know how difficult it was for my friend. Even I have no idea how I would do it. Thinking that Buddhism had helped me so far, I found out that my friends around me had help me too. To get through difficult times, to advice me on things which benefit me, to change me the way I am now. If I could, and I would, I would have been there for him if I knew him at those times of turmoil. Thanks for being there for me now, I'll be there for you when you need it too.

'If you lose your self-confidence, you are a loser'. That was another phrase that struck my head. I was always booming with self-confidence every single day, but when it came down to this problem, this situation, I pulled me all the way back to the point of 'no confidence'. And when he told me that, I totally wanted to slap myself: what for being upset of something when you have not even tried it yet? How can I have no confidence in something I have not even tried out? And that's the point where I say 'hey, you know what? I'm a winner, I'm never a loser. Whatever I do, I do not regret, I do with pride. If there is a mistake, learn and not repeat, because everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect. I'm a winner, and so is everyone else'. That totally pull me back up as high as I can't see.

'I may had liked her, or her, or even her, but I try not to bother about these things, so everything will be natural'. And that kept me thinking, I may like her, and I keep thinking about her, but that just voids every other possible thought I could have which would have made my life better. So I know I like her more than a friend, and so let that feeling be. I have other things more important to worry about than that, if it turns out right where I want it, it will. So now just let her get used to me being around, being comfortable, and if it doesn't progress, I'll still will like her more than a friend, but I will treat her as my younger sister, and then so be it, I'll feel happy that she is around me. As long as her feelings for me as a friend, or maybe even a older brother, lasts.

And I got a strong feeling she more or less knows that I like her, cause of all the craziness that happened, but she doesn't shows signs of being uncomfortable around me, yet, feeling glad about that. I heard that she treats me more like having a brother-sister relationship, which I think its too early to say that, but who knows? It may turn out being best bro/sis, and I would be contented enough. Scared though that if she does read this blog, she thinks that I'm a weirdo or something, and if that happens, well, that's sad to hear, and worst still if she avoids me, but what to do? Just Move Along like the All American Rejects: go listen, its a good song. Life still has to carry on no matter what.

And today was a fruitful day, I clean my hamster cage, I went to SBM, and I learnt about facing fears from the sharing. It might not be as much as the day before, but I still something to take note. I accepted that I have fear and suffering within me, within this world, thorough the 4 noble truths. which leads to the noble 8 fold paths, the part of right understanding hit me. If I understood impermanence, I would know that it happens to relationships, I would also know that feelings are impermanent, but I'll try, I'll try to make things better if possible, if not, I'll stay contented at where it is, not lower. And through these right understandings, I can decide on the right actions and right effort I put in. And when I realized that, a flower bloomed within me. Lapak and had dinner with the guys, before going off to meet and fetch the Wuhan brothers home, or at least at the airport. Thanks Brandon's dad for dropping me off at my house, appreciated it :)

To summarized what I learn these few days: Be selfless, put yourself in others shoes, don't let small problems affect you: it may not even be a problem after all, never stab your friends: help them instead, be contented with what you have now: nothing is forever permanent, if it goes you let go, if there is a challenge deal with it, Buddhism helps in my way of life.

I really, like I always do, thanks my friends throughout the world getting to know you, my belief in Buddhism, myself for being able to get through shit alive, because without them and my family, I would not have been what I am today, Glen TitinyQwerz Tan ;) You all are truly awesome, never forget that people :) Do stay in touch ;D

Well I got some cycling to do with Dr Koh and Kai Feng at ECP tomorrow, or later, so got to sleep soon.

Never live your life with regrets, be close to the people you love, and work towards the life you want. Nothing is impossible, its just an excuse not to try. And stay happy, care not about the things they do, but the feelings they have had going through it. Never take your friends for granted or worst, stabbing them from behind, be glad to have them and appreciate them, even if no one appreciate the things you do, be glad you did it for the sake of them being happy, for it being the right thing to do, and Move Along.

My Friends, Family and Myself: I Love You All. Peace Out.

Unlocking Myself

I'm Filled With Sugar, Rearrange It

I'm currently still in sugar rush mode, so I'm getting crazy online and posting stuff. Therefore I going to post more stuff till it wears off. So I got a puzzle, rearrange it:
This is to you.
I can say though, I dislike being cut off.
I Can't believe I'm saying this now.
Got a feeling there is going to be headaches involve in the morning.
It hurts when you end it suddenly.
I'm starting to get hook on twitter, die dude, die. *shotgun BANG*
I wait and wait.
Don't stop.
And when it doesn't return.
Seriously I'm getting hooked on it.
I assume things to make me happy.
I needs my enjoyment time, oh ya, I had it just now and it was AWESOME!
Tired to do so, slip of mind, busy.
Half way through a conversation.
But when I see that you can do other things and not bother.
Ice cream, scandals, gossip, and lots of screaming, two thumbs!
Somewhere in me breaks
Anticipation sucks when it there no show.
I don't know why.
Stupid stories and its cliff hangers, die.
I feel like crap, like a loser.
*Cries*
Why does this happen.
It's like a cliff-hanger.*Jumps off a cliff*
Please reply, or end it properly.
Don't know why I still eat wrong things when I'm already like shit.
Don't leave me there waiting, hanging edging.
Control more.
I'll wait, I have to persevere to get what I want
It always does, sucks thumb get over it, continue until its really over.
My heart may ache
Sleep makes me happy, you make me happy.
But I stay strong.
Hayden an asshole though.
I cannot say I love you, not yet.
Still good.
But don't ignore me please.
Friends are awesome sauce.
Acknowledge and reply, or finish it, that's all I need
Abrupt endings fail to the max.
I don't like it hanging there.

Where there isn't a proper ending to it.

It hurts

OK I'm done, so its now time for you to solve this puzzle, or maybe not. I'm starting to feel the fatigue kicking in. Time to sleep.
You can brighten up my day any time, just don't ignore it.
Sugar Attraction

Friends: The Sacrifice I'm Willing To Go Through

Friends, they do everything. They have fun with you, make you laugh, joke with you, insult you, scold you, cause havoc with you, are there for you, help you, argue with you, hate you, fight with you, envy you, understand you, misunderstand you, do shit with you. I know that many things I said above have some bad elements to it, but that what friends do. And then you think, if they do everything, doesn't that mean everyone is your friend? 

I look at it that way. Its good to do so, and this allows me to treat everyone equally, if the factors allow me to. However, I don't expect everyone to treat me in that way. They may treat me like dirt, treat me like crap, see me as an asshole, like a joke, a loner, but I still will treat them as a friend. What is the point of making someone unhappy? What good is there? I won't argue, I won't retaliate, because it builds up tension and there is no point to do so. I'll just take their scoldings, their insults, their remarks, their comments, I would rather let them be right than I be right and lose my friend, what glory is there to it? I rather lose my pride, my ability to stand up for myself, my own image in the eyes of others that lose someone entirely.

Friends, it takes so much sacrifice to have them, but in the end, its all worth the crap. 

Unfriendly Companions 

Side Note: I Have a Very Bad Feeling That Number 15 is Coming Soon, Damn.