I feel that today, I won't type about something lame, something that is stupid, something that I feel that is not worth saying, but still type it for the sake of this blog. This maybe long, but reflections about my life is sometimes required. Maybe it is stupid, maybe it is not required, and so don't read, it will be long, I warn you.
What made me feel this way? The emotions of others, the comments passed around about me, my friends and people I have not met, the reactions of friends, the way I do work, the way I lead, the thoughts in my brain, the things around me basically. The things I take note everyday, just accumulate within me, and it really didn't affect me, until it reach the point of threshold. I don't know if that point is even fixed, maybe it varies? It could be that time of everyone's life, where we think, what is the meaning of life? Our life?
I had many moments like this, thinking if this was the correct way, has my attitude made anyone unhappy, is this the way I should lead my life? And many others nevertheless. It has been acting as my review, as my reminder on my goals, aspirations, dreams, attitude, outlook and many other things, which I can't remember of right now. A person told me, that from the outer appearance of mine, he can clearing tell me that I'm still trying to find myself, who I actually am? I say I have multiple personas no doubt, with different people around, I react differently, so and so I don't know which one of me is real.
I believe in astrology and horoscopes, majority of it, especially those that explain ones personality, but not ones relationships. And 90% of that, is seemingly true. I'm actually an Aries-Pieces cusp, a combination of both, and depending on the date, usually the characteristics of one will be more dominant than the other. However, I was born on the day directly in between. Seeing that both of them conflict each other a lot, in my case, my ideals within me conflict very much, and maybe that is the reason why I have to review myself, frequently. If I was aware enough, I can change these attributes, but sub-consciously, when you are off your guard, you revert back to the characteristics of your horoscopes, from what I noticed. And with me being such a cusp, I lead many personas. Yet there must be something, somewhere, I can find who I really am, maybe it is something good? Maybe its something not? I'll find out, one day.
Reminders, something I dread, usually the type of reminders your parents, friends and any other person keep harping on, I know it is good, because not everyone can remember everything on their first try, but I have always dislike harping, especially those who makes use of people's bad experiences and moments in their life, or in my life. We know how bad that incident was, we all saw it, we all can remember what we did wrong, something so big which me, myself can remember for life, and you bring it up just to think that I am not capable of doing other things, just to shoot me down, because you, yourself think that you are so great? What about the good things I did? Why don't you bring that up to remind me??? I always think it that way at the start, and if I don't think further on through those covers, I will just get frustrated.
When I think through those covers, I can find the reason why you do that. I mention earlier, we can't remember everything, we have to reminded frequently before it can be permanently registered, or just something worth remembering. Yet, like I say, if there was something worth remembering, something that I can learn from, I will remember, and you don't have to repeat it. Of course, I won't know if you are just using it as a form of mockery, which I dislike. Although I have learn that you are able to use negative comments to make yourself a better person, I couldn't use that in things which has already had an impact on me. It just makes me bitter to see people raising up flaws instead of glory. Yet, even if it pisses me off for people to do that, I got to thank them for doing so, by nailing it deeper in my head, so I will never forget. By helping me be be more outspoken and not giving up, by arguing back even though I'm fighting a losing debate. By controlling my metal and over come my limits, where my heart knows that its my fault, but my brain will never succumb to admit my wrongdoing, usually, unless it is obvious of course.
I love to debate, shown above, and I have that never-lose spirit, but sometimes being unable to accept defeat isn't a bad thing. If people are as strong headed as you, one side has to stop the fire, and by giving in at times, resolves the problems. However, I'm an ideologist, and I usually support my own idea, unless, of course, you are able to prove me wrong in an intellectual debate, on why your idea is better. If people don't support my idea, I may just show them a fucked up attitude, or just hide it to myself, at the least, depends on basis. Now, when I have an idea, I feel that it must be implemented if arguments about it is invalid. Maybe I need to know, why am I doing this? Is this beneficial, or self-centered? Is there a point fighting for it? At times, I know friends who do this, and of course, I don't want to be like them, especially when you place your emotions into work-related projects. My idea may not always be the right way; that is something I ought to learn. Somehow, I came to notice this today, when I wanted to show that it wasn't wrong of what I was doing, until I was shot down, basically it was only self-beneficial to me by doing so. I still give excuses, but I just can't can't give them. I know I did my wrong, but I still fight for it being something which isn't a big matter. Maybe I'm just screw? I still got things to learn I guess.
It was supposed to be known that left-handed are generally smarter and excel better at sports than right handed people. And it is not just my left-hand, I am overall left-dominant, where even my leg, eyes and ears, are left-dominant. Yet that doesn't mean anything if I don't put in effort to study. It only takes 5% genius, and 95% effort, to do something awesome. Efforts weakness is laziness, which is currently producing nothing. Need to work on my effort to do something.
Cyberspace. Actually, cyber-gaming. I'm weak against games, and that what my will tells me. And what does this actually benefit me, other than hand-eye coordination and mindless fun? Maybe exploring a great community? Rarely. We play, we eat, we sleep. Well that what I think. And don't you feel that it is a little meaningless? Gaming is a waste of time and money, from what I feel. I could be off exercising, training, building up my knowledge, and I use this time to play games. Although after awhile, you get sick of these games and give up on them, one day, you may just want to pick them up and play again. And really, it consumes your time like hell. That's one thing I'm putting effort in, and not in anything else. And really, putting effort into gaming won't bring you far. Wake up Glen, do something meaningful and worthwhile in your life. Yet how much I plan a schedule, it wouldn't work out pretty much in the end, after a few days of change, you may just want to change back.
Love? I shall not touch on that. Let's just say, nothing much, but even still, we all do have it, and each of us has our personal definition, but I think love can be generalize just to something simple.
Effort, I have told myself something important every single day: Effort beckons results, where the more the effort, the better the result is of that specific aim. Throughout this ranting, I have been explaining myself, so I can do something about it with the help of effort. I have done it, writing this lengthy post, at such a late time. I put in so much effort just for myself, so I can find true meaning in life. However, when you place effort on something, you only can really focus one thing to be about to get it 99.9% perfect. If not, you can see the cracks and flaws here and then. Maybe, it really boils down to effort. The more effort you put into something, the better results you get.
And from there I work up.
That's all I remember which required typing. No doubt I have wrote a lot, but this is just a small portion. Currently, I'm just to tired to think and requires rest. My reflection shall end here, and I hope that I can turn into some better.
If what you read was corny and horrible, then that is your problem. I think I forgot what I typed in this state of mental fatigue.
4am Sleep
